So I’m going through a bit of an emotional stumble at the moment which is fine because I’m human and this is how we all grow.
Why, Nisrine? Waddup?
Well, as mentioned in my earlier blogs, I came to the Big Apple with the expectation that I was going to meet Him here; my love, my life partner, my 6-foot, bearded creative buddy. I’ve been here for two weeks, I’ve joined three dating apps, I’ve visited Barnes and Nobles…and nothing. Besides one guy superliking me on Tinder and then later blocking me when I told him I believe in star signs 8.5 times out of 10, nothing noteworthy or earth-shattering has taken place in relation to my heart in NYC thus far. Because of this (the expectation of meeting Him not being met) I’m growing increasingly frustrated, paranoid, and not focussing on the here and now because I’m searching for him over here and there.
Stop rambling already!
Ok, ok. Instead of me rambling on about the issue, I’ll take you through what I normally do in situations like this; situations where I’m feeling angsty, paranoid, unbalanced. I would’ve done this anyway in my journal but figured I may as well do it here so that you can see what my process is and perhaps use it if you ever face an emotional stumble of your own.
NISRINE’S PROCESS FOR GETTING OUT OF A STINKY SHIT HOLE AND GETTING BACK INTO ALIGNMENT
Step 1: Let myself be a whinging, moaning, rambling saddo – so many times, we want to get all ‘positive thinky’ and bypass this part of the healing phase, when in actual fact, this step is VITAL. You have got to let yourself go through the negative emotion.
I do four very specific things to let the tears come out (because for me, once the tears have come out, I know I’ve started the healing process).
- I listen to Tameela Mann’s ‘Take me to the King’ (there’s a line in there that goes ‘truth is I’m tired’ and at that line, I always look up into the sky and say ‘God, I’m so tired!’ and I cry quite dramatically)
- I watch the end scene from Beaches where ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’ comes on.
- I watch the scene from My Sister’s Keeper where she’s laying in bed with her sister and calls her ‘sissy’ (I’m in the fetal position at this point of the game).
- When all the tears have come and gone, I play ‘A New Day Has Come’ by Celine Dion because at the line that goes ‘let the rain come down and wipe away my tears’, I imagine God wiping all my tears away.
Point of story, wallowing is good. It is, however, how long you stay in the wallowing that defines your suffering. Me, because I’ve gotten quite good at this process, am only in Wallowville for a short time…there are other places I need to take myself to heal. Cue next step.
Step 2: Understand that how I’m feeling has NOTHING to do with the subject itself; it is completely and utterly to do with my PERCEPTION of the subject. Think about it this way, if the actual SUBJECT was stupid, dicky, a c***y, worthless, waste of time etc, then everyone in the whole world would perceive it this way. But, the fact that two people can look at the one subject and see it in completely different ways, means that it is all in the eye of the beholder. You have GOT to understand this before the next steps can work.
Step 3: Do an inventory on my current vibration/thoughts – to get what I want, to get what we want, isn’t it true that we first need to clearly define what it is we want and then second, think thoughts that carry the same vibrational frequency as that (can I get an Amen!)? So (and Abraham Hicks/The Secret followers, you all know what I’m talking about here) I cannot expect to find love if I am practicing a vibration and thinking thoughts that are in opposition to the vibration of love. So what I do in this step is I take stock of my current thoughts. I’ll do it now to demonstrate.
On a piece of paper, at the top half of the page, I write down ‘Current mindset’ and then I go ahead and list all of the thoughts on that subject that I currently hold. Eg:
CURRENT MINDSET – DATING/LOVE
I’m never going to find anyone in NYC
The palmist and psychic were bullshitting me
I’m scared to go on Tinder and Bumble dates
What if the guys don’t like me? What if they thought I was thinner than I actually am?
What a waste of time
Only losers online date
New York men are too busy to reply
You don’t want them to think you’re desperate
Winter coats make me look less attractive
Who am I kidding?
And this is just a SAMPLE of the stuff happening upstairs at Che Nisrine.
The more aware you are of your thoughts, the more you can identify them, put them on paper and look over them with objectivity. Looking at my thoughts, I can see that the self-talk in relation to dating has been, how shall I say, a bit shit. No wonder it’s not been an electrifying experience so far! How can I expect it to be with all this poison in my head?!
Step 4: (and this is where the magic happens) I now thank God for the ‘Current Mindset’ – because that’s what lead me to the emotion that lead me to this process that lead me to this insight – and come up with, on the bottom half of the page, a ‘New Mindset’; a mindset that is going to be more aligned with where I’m headed – Love Land. A mindset that’s going to complement, support, mirror the mindset over in Passion Paradise. And so it goes:
I’ve dated before and I did fine, so maybe it’s just not the time right now
You’re an attractive, intelligent woman – rock it out!
You’re a human meeting another human
Don’t date today if you don’t feel like it
Be prepared to let the Universe surprise you
How good are bagels!
I’m in NYC – wooohooooo!!!
This bed is so fucking warm!!
How good is my life?!
Notice how just reading this list makes you feel automatically that little bit better? And the new mindset doesn’t even have to have anything to do with the subject – just find other random thoughts that make you feel good! You love bagels? Sure, put some of that on there! Whatever you write, just keep reading them to yourself and reading and reading until you really believe them and until the goodness of the new thoughts seeps into you psyche.
Note: don’t set the expectations too high for this list – for example, take baby steps. If jumping from ‘Only losers online date’ to ‘Only winners online date’ seems too far of a stretch and you don’t think, in this moment, that you’ll really believe that, then choose a new thought like ‘maybe some losers online date, but there might be a chance of a couple of winners’ – see how that’s slightly a better vibration but probably a little more realistic for where you’re at?
Step 5: Distract myself with other things – listen to a sexy song or fold your clothes. Life is made up of so many other subjects (e.g. cats, Dean Cain, Bishop TD Jakes, donuts) so pick one that day that you know makes you feel oh so good and focus on that.
And there you have it. Just by taking you through this process, I IMMEDIATELY feel better about the dating situation. Dating shmating – I am remarkable and the Universe is on my side! It will all be when it needs to be. My down time is my prep time.
WHAT NOT TO DO TO TRY AND GET OUT OF A STINKY SHIT HOLE
Before I leave you, I should probably share with you a couple of things that I DON’T do to try and get out of the stinky shit hole:
- Don’t make any rash decisions or take immediate action e.g. in my case tonight, I could’ve easily come home and deleted all dating apps and sworn off them for good. (how many times have we done that?!) This assumes, however, that my issue is with the subject itself (i.e. the dating app) when in fact, my issue is with my perception and my current vibration. Remember, when you’re in the midst of your storm, whatever that storm might be, no amount of sail-turning is going to get you out of it. I mean, imagine trying to sail a ship to shore in foggy and stormy conditions?! You have got to compose yourself, re-centre yourself and then, once you are back on solid ground and have a clear view of the shore, then and only then should you take action. And how do you get back there? Try what I did in the workshop example above. Action, in relation to ANYTHING, should always be inspired and come from a place of clarity, not frustration. And action that is meant to be taken, won’t even feel like action; it will instead feel like the most effortless and peaceful decision you’ve made all year – like something that just came suddenly into your brain and you did without stretching yourself, or asking others first, or googling.
- Don’t focus on the subject itself; rather, like I did in the workshop example above, I turned my attention inward – that’s where the work needs to be done because that’s the vantage point that you ultimately have the control over. No amount of hating on Tinder or Bumble or men or telling my friends about my hate of Tinder or Bumble or men will resolve the real issue – my perception of dating. I didn’t make a list of why I should stay on Tinder or why I should go off it, the pros/cons etc…NO. All discussion was to do with ME AND MY THOUGHTS. BOTTOM LINE. If you’re fighting with someone – turn your attention inward. If your boss is being mean – turn your attention inward. If all your friends are more successful than you and you feel bummed – turn your attention inward. What is happening INSIDE? Fix yourself, before you…?? You know the drill.
So, sweet friends, that’s it from me tonight. I’m off to bed (another great way to stop negative vibration/thoughts, slumber!)
If anyone has any other suggestions on what works for them, let me know because, as the cast of High School Musical once sung…‘we’re all in this (shit-show called Life) together!’