what do you get when you cross a Laptonian and no internet?

I’ve been sitting at this cafe on the corner of Grand and Havemeyer in Williamsburg for a couple of hours now and something funny just happened: the internet connection went out. And what, praytell, do you get when you cross a cafe full of Laptonians and no internet connection? A rare glimpse into mankind.

Cue David Attenborough voiceover:

With her life source now under attack, the Laptonian’s head starts to rise, slowly, from her screen. Notice how her eyebrows furrow; she is dazed and disoriented. Like most of her kind, this Laptonian has not evolved to deal with such disruptions. Changes such as this, no matter how slight, could threaten the very nature of her existence.

The creature scans her surroundings, in search of the predator. The slight rustle of dollar bills and churn of the coffee machine in the distance draws her eye to him: the bearded homo sapien. Marked with the etchings of his tattoo-gun-wielding friend, the predator keeps a safe distance. He attempts to camouflage himself in front of the graffitied wall behind him but alas, the Laptonian’s eyes have settled on him. Her glance is too strong; the predator has now become the prey.

With all the energy she can muster up from the chai lattee and apricot danish that she recently fed on, the creature raises herself from her sitting position and crawls, intently, toward the homo sapien. Around her, fellow Laptonians have made the journey toward the counter also. If the homo sapien doesn’t flee now, or give a gesture of surrender, these Laptonians will migrate to another cafe on Bedford Avenue for the afternoon; a migration that could destroy the livelihood of the homo sapien.

‘Dude, the wifi’s out.’

‘Yeah cool, I’ll reconnect now.’

The creature, satisfied with this response, turns around and makes her way back to her original habitat. She places herself in front of her screen. Notice how her eyebrows, having spotted the lit-up connection symbol on her laptop, have moved from the furrowing position to a non-furrowing one.

It was a lucky day for the homo sapien. Today, nature was kind.

Or, Verizon. Whatever.

 

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