what i’ve learned about…brooklyn

Me: Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the first ever edition of What I’ve Learned About…

Applause.

Me: Our guest this week was settled in 1634 and joins us all the way from the eastern coastal plain of New York City. Boasting a land area of 180 square kilometres (oo, watch out ladies!), and a population of just over two and half million, let’s give it up for the ‘Borough of Homes and Churches’, the BK, the 112, the place that Manhattanites complain is too far to travel out to…Brooklyn!

Applause as Brooklyn, dressed in blue and gold, swaggers into studio and takes a seat on couch. 

Brooklyn: Hola. Shalom. Czesc. Wassup? (licks lips)

Me: We are so honoured to have you here with us tonight, BK. You don’t mind me calling you that, do you?

Brooklyn: You can call me anything you want, baby. Except Long Island. (chuckles seriously but sexily)

Me: (blushes) Thank you. So, BK, tell us a bit about yourself.

Brooklyn: What do you want to know?

Me: Oh, a conversationalist.

Brooklyn: Well, there’s a lot to me, you know. I’m a complicated man.

Me: I bet you are. And strong, too.

Brooklyn: Better believe. I can hold you down just like I can hold those cars up on my bridge.

Me: (to audience) Brooklyn is actually referring to his steel wire suspension bridge, the nation’s first ever.

Brooklyn: Better believe.

Me: So, is it right that you have quite a diverse genealogy?

Brooklyn: Yeah. I’ve got some West-Indian in me, some Hispanic, Russian, Italian, Yemeni, African, Irish-

Me: Unity. Unity makes strength, you know. Eendraght Maeckt Maght.

Brooklyn: My motto, that’s right. That’s right. You got it.

Me: Any Lebanese in you? I’m Lebanese.

Brooklyn: No, not that much Lebanese in me but you don’t need to worry about that. I’ll make you feel at home, girl. No sweat. You can be whoever you want with me.

Me: Really? BK, what can I say? You’ve seduced me.

Brooklyn: Is that right? (licks lips)

Me: Yes. I mean, I’ve met a lot of boroughs in my time – Manhattan, now he was fun but a bit of a workaholic know-it-all, you know? Bronx, he was a little rough around the edges to say the least and Staten Island, yikes! So needy! ‘Do you love me? Do you? Don’t leave me. Please. My ferry is really cool. Do you wanna see my ferry? ‘ I mean, shutup Staten Island! Ha ha ha. Am I right?

Brooklyn: Ha ha, yeah. Yeah. (pause) So then, you gonna catch the L on over to me and move in with me for good or what?

Me: (sarcastically) What, and sit on your stoop everyday, listening to Biggie and taking photos of tree-knitwear? Sure. Let me just get my kombucha. Ha ha ha. (laughs mockingly)

Silence.

Backstage, after the show.

Me: (to producers) How did I know he’d get offended? It’s just sweetened black tea! I’m over this – get Staten Island on the phone!

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