dear buddy – week the end

Dear Buddy,

I have said goodbye to my darling New York.

It was a disjointed goodbye, an incomplete goodbye. Partly due to the fact that I was so deathly hungover from my farewell party the night before (won’t make that mistake again!) and partly because I didn’t want this to be the end.

But it was. And it is. And here I now sit at Duke’s Beach House on Waikiki Beach – the perfect place to reflect on the trip that was. A sparrow just passed me, pecking at the leftover breakfast buffet crumbs at my feet. The ocean to my right is so polite in its crashing – making just enough sound to remind me that it’s there but giving me the space I need to be in my thoughts.

And what are these thoughts? Oh, Buddy, they’re so varied. I’m thinking about New York and its streets, its people, about my emotions, my interactions, what I said, what I didn’t say, the drunken times, the friendships, Stella…and although these thoughts range from the regretful to the reminiscent, the one underlying emotion that drives them all is gratitude. Complete and utter gratitude.

What a blessing it has been to be the driver of my life these past three months. To go with the turns and bends, to misjudge my steering and crash, to take pit-stops and reassess, to hand the wheel over to friends when my arms and legs gave in, to park on the side of the road when the fog was too thick and to get back on the road when the fog had cleared.

And now, I look back in the rear-vision mirror, and I see the Big Apple in all its round, juicy sweetness and I wonder if I stayed true to my pledge; the one I made when I first arrived. Did I bite loud and unapologetically on that apple? Did I keep my faith through the shitty times? Was I confronted with my own nakedness?

Yes to all of that and a bag of Bugles.

So Buddy, for the final time (for this blog anyway…you know you and I will never stop talking) muchos gracias para:

  • My instincts
  • My friendships
  • My heart
  • My vulnerability
  • My tears
  • My confusion
  • My epiphanies

And to the one place that made me feel like a something and a nothing all at the one time and made it ok to feel like a dreamer and a desperado all in the same breath, thank you Buddy for:

  • My New York.

Nisrine Amine xx

 

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